5.13.2011

Rock Bottom

I think today I have hit it.

We have had over 2 1/2 weeks of sickness, some serious, some minor. My Sciatica has hurt worse than it ever has before. I started watching another baby, and Victor is here full time now. Jon has had many meetings, and has been gone more than usual. Friend drama, school drama, family drama, life drama. Xray's, doctor appointment after doctor appointment. Macy has suddenly turned into the devil. Cooper is no longer bringing me more joy than frustration. Dealing with insurance crud, and co-pays, more prescriptions than one could imagine.

It was all just bad timing. Any one of those things I could handle, possibly even 2 or 3, but all of them together has really done a number on me.

I have been a terrible mother throughout all of this. I have lost all my skills. Dinner? What dinner. Laundry, if it doesn't stink, wear it again. Snuggle at night? Are you kidding, I'm asleep on the couch by 7:00. I was supposed to pick you up from somewhere? Oops.

I have still pushed through, made myself do things everyday (even when I didn't want to). Today it has hit though. I don't want to do anything. I am READY for a break, ready for some good luck and good news, ready for gas prices to go down, ready for happy children who don't need me every moment of the day, ready to not have to fill out permission slips and medical documents, ready to be able to start walking with my friends again, ready to stop holding my breath, ready to smile.

I have been lucky enough to have some good friends, and my mom, and Katrina to help me out here and there. To try to remind me that I am loved. It helped.

I was able to find the bright side about Chloe being in the hospital over Mother's Day. I was able to sit in the quiet hospital room, reading my books on my new Kindle, having special time with Chloe, and short but sweet visits from the other kids. I didn't have to deal with the Saturday chores, with a messy house, with the kids needing me. It was actually a very nice day. (I have given Chloe permission to be hospitalized on Mother's Day again, if needs be)

So today I am diving into my stack of books from the library, I may or may not do the laundry. I can most definitely say I won't be cooking dinner, or straightening up the front room. I will probably not have make-up on by the time Jon gets home (luckily he still thinks I'm beautiful). I will most likely have more than one soda today. I have decided I am not going to feel bad about it either (we'll see how well that goes, I don't do well with guilt).

Luckily Victor and Macy have been pretty good today, and are taking early naps for me. I really do love those two sometimes!

Let's hope this day off does well for my spirits. I am glad it is the weekend, but I am not looking forward to the chores tomorrow. This house is in dire need of help from the past couple weeks of craziness. I am praying for strength, for good results on tests for Chloe, and X-rays for Cooper, no permanent damage with Buffy & Andy for the neglect I am sure they have felt over the last few weeks, and maybe, just maybe a date night. Keeping my fingers crossed!!!

I really probably need to find someone I can serve. Doesn't that always take your problems away?